Since I “came out” as an atheist, I’ve been getting lots of questions about why I changed and how I can justify my new position. This article series is intended to provide a starting point for discussing those questions.
I was raised as a Christian. As soon as I had a self-image, it included belief in God as an aspect. I kept that identification through the first 30 years of my life.
My faith took many turns, from the Pentecostalism of my parents, though Calvinism and associated reformed theologies, to non-denominational ecumenism. I had periods of intense doubt about my faith in my late teens, but I made it through them by reading literally over a hundred books on religion and having untold hours of discussion with Christian friends, many of whom I met through InterVarsity Christian Fellowship at the University of Maryland.
I’ve read the Bible through from cover to cover, and have made intensive studies of several parts of it. I was involved in weekly Bible studies, I went on missions trips, I took part in church life, and I practiced apologetics with my non-Christian friends.
All of that is to say that my faith was not shallow. It was deeply thought-out and held with conviction. I’d read the apologetics of C.S. Lewis, Lee Strobel, Josh McDowell, and others. I knew about the historical, manuscript, and philosophical defenses of the Christian faith. I thought that my system of belief was logically sound and nigh unassailable.
Sometime in early 2008 I began having new doubts about my belief. I started noticing things that I’d never seen before. I observed that the nonbelievers in my life were as loving and as moral as the believers. I also saw that Christians, on average, were not displaying signs of the process of sanctification that I expected.
Sanctification is an important tenet of Christianity. To put it simply, according to Christian theology, sanctification is the process by which God turns bad people into good ones. If sanctification were true, we would expect Christians, on average, to be more loving, more at peace, happier, more humble, and generally better off than nonbelievers. This was not my experience.
Sanctification was supposed to be a supernatural process. While I’ve definitely acquired beneficial emotional attributes and learned behaviors from Christianity, I couldn’t say that those improvements had been miraculous. I could easily imagine that I could have acquired the same positive attributes by purely natural means.
Then, I started thinking about other things that I had considered miracles. The creation of the universe, the origin of life, physical healing, visions, feelings of God’s presence, etc. I realized that there were sound naturalistic explanations for all of those things.
I dived into research. I listed out every one of my beliefs and tried to find evidence to support holding on to them. I re-examined the historicity of the Bible with new objectivity and found it lacking. I looked into cognitive psychology and learned that there was ample evidence against the existence of the soul. I researched the biological theory of evolution and realized it was sound, beautiful, and explanatory. I read books by atheists such as Richard Dawkins and found the atheist position to be far more logically sound than the Christian one.
I also did a new study of the Bible through a more objective lens. I found that the character of God was inconsistent and often vile throughout the story. I found that the manuscript evidence that I once thought was so strong was actually full of holes. I found out about the pagan roots of the Jesus mythology.
There was no need to posit a God to explain anything any more. I really looked hard, but I couldn’t find any place for God to fit in my world view.
This realization scared me out of my mind. I felt like I was adrift in space without an anchor. I really wanted to believe in God. I wanted to think that there was this great loving intelligence out there who had my best interests in mind. I thought I needed him. All of my best friends, including my wife were Christians. I was going to risk all of those relationships.
I lapsed into depression for a few weeks. I kept holding on to the idea that I could be wrong, that I had missed something. I opened up to some of my Christian friends and gave them the opportunity to convince me to remain a believer. None of their arguments were good enough.
I finally resigned myself to accept that there was no God in January of 2009. I fought my way out of depression and actually acquired new hope for my life. With the belief that this short time on Earth is all that I had, I realized that I needed to enjoy it to it’s fullest and make the most of what time I had.
As I write this 6 months later, I’m more satisfied with my epistemology and world view than ever before. Life makes so much more sense to me now. I always had to make weird rationalizations to satisfy the cognitive dissonance that arose whenever my faith and my observations of the world collided. Now that there is no God for me to fall back on, the world seems more beautiful, more meaningful, and more full of promise than ever before.
Stay tuned for Part 2, where I’ll lay out what I found to be the most convincing arguments for atheism and against Christianity.
Brandy said
Thanks for posting this!! I started an email to you on Facebook the other day but laid my mouse beside me in bed and lost the whole thing. I didn’t feel like retyping it so I was waiting for the urge to grab me again to do a rewrite. In essence what it said was this:
Welcome to the dark side, LOL Of course I’m only kidding. I was astonished by your proclaimed atheism. (That’s all I can remember of the email) Moving on though, the rationalizations you present here are what I’ve been trying to tell my friends and family for years regarding why I don’t necessarily believe in God. I don’t classify myself as an atheist although I probably should. My family isn’t as God-fearing as yours has been during your childhood; however, I still get dirty looks when we sit down for Thanksgiving and Christmas and pray. Of course I chose not to participate thus the reason for said looks. Anyway, without going into a long diatribe I’ve never subscribed to any organized religion. I’ve spent too many years of my younger life talking to a God that never responded and wondering why someone who is inherently good, such as myself, was made to suffer so horribly and repeatedly. People would always respond by saying “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”. That’s crap. I was always forced to deal with more than I could handle even before I was school aged otherwise I wouldn’t have spent so many years self medicating….then again, there’s a biological answer for that too, it’s in my genes. A conundrum such as that makes you wonder if I would have developed such self-medicating (and other destructive) behaviors had I been blessed with the perfect life. Here we see the most basic argument: Nature vs Nurture or Biological vs. Environmental. I think we become who we are as a result of the two rather than some pre-determined plan God has for us. I suppose God doesn’t really stand a chance with me considering I’m scientifically minded supporting ideas and beliefs that can be tangibly or factorally supported.
In any event, I look forward to reading more about your ‘research’. Having minimal experience with the Bible it’s hard for me to justify my ideologies with nothing more than a “I just don’t believe in God”. And just to let my family and friends know how open minded I am I encourage them to take my daughter to church anytime they want. I want to give Autumn the knowledge from both sides so that she can make her own assumptions about religion. I don’t force my opinions on her, like many parents do. I want her to decide for her self and of course I’ll support her either way. By doing that, in the eyes of God I’m probably a horrible hell bound person because I’ve turned my back and don’t preach love and forgiveness as outlined by Christianity; however, how you could someone even deem my philosphy as such and classify me along with the true bad people of the world who hurt children etc….? I hardly think that classification would be fair…..
Am I making sense?
skizac said
Brandy:
Thanks for writing! It’s nice to hear from old friends.
I’m very sorry to hear about the abuse you’ve had to suffer from the hands of religious believers. I would like to personally apologize, because as a long-time believer, I was at times the giver of such abuse.
I don’t think you need a justification for not believing in the Christian God. You don’t believe in unicorns or fairies or Thor either, but you don’t have to give justifications for that. The onus is on the believer who wants to convince you. If you find the arguments unsatisfying, then you have no further obligation.
I think what you’re doing with your daughter is admirable. There’s no need to dictate to her what her beliefs should be. I consider the religious indoctrination that I and millions of other children went through to be nearly on par with child abuse. I was scared out of my mind for years because I thought I was going to slip up and go to hell.
Brandy said
You know what? Thanks again!! I never really realized that justification isn’t needing for why one does or doesn’t believe. What you said makes absolute sense. I don’t have to justify my beliefs regarding mythical creatures so why religion!! That’s an excellent point. I suppose after you’ve spent so many years trying to help people understand your point of view on God it’s almost second nature to justify it when the topic arises. Unless it’s a discussion I never ask others to justify their beliefs…..so why justify mine?? I can’t thank you enough for giving me that realization and the sincerity of your other comments. I’m a very accepting person. I’m not sure why others find it difficult to be equally accepting rather than ridiculing (prob not a word but the best one to convey my thoughts).
Brandy said
What I did want to mention is that I lean more towards a Buddist ideology and classify myself as a realist. Because of my realist-ness I’m commonly labeled as a pessimist…..whatev
skizac said
On second thought, the comparison I made to child abuse was probably unwarranted. Abuse implies malicious intent and has emotionally charged connotations. I don’t think Christian parents have any intention of doing harm to their children.
Christina said
Andy,
Thanks for the blog about your journey. I couldn’t believe the other day when I received your friend request and saw your religious beliefs as atheist as being correct. I was shocked. I thought, “Wow, him and Andrea are complete opposites in this department!” Although, I can’t say that I necessarily agree with you on the aspect of there not being a God, I can respect your beliefs and views. I too have been on a journey over the past two years. This journey affected my personal and spiritual life. Perhaps one of the biggest lessons that I learned over the past year and a half is that non-Christians were loving and moral people who were far more accepting and non-judgmental than most of the so-called diehard Christian friends and aquaintances that I knew. I don’t say that as being bitter, I just am speaking from my experience. This was a very hard pill to swallow. It led me into many a nights of a tear-soaked pillow. Because of the life situation that I was going through, I would hear through the “grape vine” of established Christians “talking about me” or “warning other people about my situation or behavior”. I was so hurt! I also had many who chose to befriend me or keep their distance. I became such an angry individual over this. My thought was: If Jesus would never leave me, then why would Christians who are supposed to emulate Christ leave me, or judge me, or gossip about me? And then on the opposite side were these “non-Christian, heathen (as the church would catagorize them) individuals” who maybe didn’t necessarily agree with some things in my life, but loved me and accepted me UNCONDITIONALLY! Wow! Talk about being bittersweet! It showed me though just how much of a judgmental person that I had been. I have vowed to never, ever be like that again! Some Christians don’t understand that about me: How can I be a Christian and vote for Obama? How can I be a Christian and be pro-choice? How can I be a Christian and be friends with non-believers? How can you be close friends with homosexuals? The list goes on and on. I can tell you how: Because I know what my beliefs are. I have been on a journey of self discovery and self reflection. I don’t feel the need to inflict my beliefs on other people. I personally, am pro-life, but I don’t feel like it’s my right to impose my beliefs on another person’s body. Some people would argue that it’s the easy way out: just don’t make waves, be “lukewarm”. I would strongly disagree with them. I feel like by knowing who I am and not judging other people and by being so accepting, even though I might not necessarily agree with them, that I am being more like Christ then the person who alienates, judges and bashes with Scripture. Thank you for sharing with us. I look forward to reading the rest of your journey.
skizac said
Thanks for writing, Christina! It’s nice to hear from you.
I’m sorry for the pain that you’ve gone through. I, too, have often felt like an outcast amongst other Christians. I found the lack of critical thinking skills in Christians to be particularly vexing. My beliefs were based on what I thought were sound, defendable, rational grounds. Yet, the beliefs of Christians around me seemed to be based largely on subjective experience, which led them to all sorts of weird behaviors and ideas.
Brandy said
Christina,
Wow!! I’m so sorry you had to go through that. I admire your steadfastness and ability to still believe after such experiences. I applaud you for recognizing that it’s not our right to impose our beliefs on others. I’ve always said the same thing of being pro-choice. What we would or wouldn’t do with our own bodies is for us to say. Just because an act may not be the right thing for us (or fall within our belief structure) doesn’t mean that we should impose rules governing those acts on others who may need those services for various reasons. Finally, I’m intrigued by your discovery that non-Christians can be just as -if not more- open, forgiving, accepting, and understanding. I think that may be because we’re not constrained to a specific belief system/structure that restricts our ability to be all of those aforementioned things.
Keri said
First of all, to your friends, I’m sorry that hateful and hypocritical Christians have pushed you away from God. I wish we as Christians, could truly and purely reflect the principles and love that Jesus would want us to in the world. I know I’m not perfect and have made many mistakes. As His followers we’re supposed to be humble. We are not often that way.
Andy, I am not one to argue or present the Christian side eloquently. And I’m sure that there are many others that have already engaged you in a more intellectual and rational way. All I can say is this: I sometimes go through periods of doubt and questioning, ‘Oh no, what if there’s not a God; what if this is all too good to be true?” etc etc. I have to fall back on faith. We’re called to believe in a God (and give our lives if necessary) for belief in One we cannot see. That is, in a sense, irrational. But it’s faith. I just believe. I trust and believe like a child. There’s no proof, there’s no lists (here’s the God exists side and the God doesn’t exist side explanations). I just believe. Sometimes it’s hard, but it’s very freeing.
Regarding the ‘experiential’ side of it – there are instances in my life, experiences that I’ve gone through that I can only attribute my ‘ability’ to get through it to God. A recent experience is my brain tumor and surgery. I’m a super wimp – I get scared of everything (talking in front of more than half a dozen people, traveling, etc). I was diagnosed with a brain tumor (benign, so yes, not nearly as scary as malignant). Still I had major neurosurgery, with a somewhat difficult recovery (including left facial paralysis) and lost my hearing in my left ear (bummer for a musician; everything sounds different now). Anyway, the Lord has given me divine, perfect peace throughout this whole ordeal. That’s the only way to describe it. And He’s made me thankful. I can give thanks to none but Him for that; not my strength of will, not my determination – He’s truly been a rock through this.
skizac said
Thanks for writing, Keri. I appreciate that you would take the time.
I want to make clear that I was not pushed away by hypocritical Christians so much as I noticed that Christians were not any better than non-Christians.
I can’t “just believe” in anything. I have to be convinced. If you’d like to read it, part two of my series is up. In it, I explain why I find Christianity to be unbelievable.
I’m sorry for the bad experiences in your life, but I’m glad you were able to find comfort to make it through them. I have also had experiences where I thought I felt the presence of God, or thought he was guiding me. I don’t find such subjective experiences persuasive anymore. Our minds are too easy to fool.
Cat said
You mentionned the fact that your wife is a christian. How are you dealing with that together? How does she feel about your atheism? Also, do you have kids? If so, how are you raising them? I ask because I’ve been with my boyfriend for almost 8 years now and when we met, we were both christians. About 2 years ago, I started questionning and this past year, I’ve finally accepted that I am no longer a believer. He is still very much a theist though and has a hard time dealing with my new stance on religion and I guess I have a hard time dealing with the fact that he remains a christian. He also worries about how we will raise our kids. Point is, dealing with this issue has been hard even though we love each other very much. And we getting married next summer. I’m interested in hearing your experience when it comes to this.
skizac said
Hi. I’m planning a 4th part to this series, some of which will be a description of how my relationships have been affected.
Suffice it to say for now that my wife is a very intelligent woman, and we love each other very much, whether or not we agree on everything. We made a promise to stick together, and we intend to honor that promise.
I hope you can see through your differences with your fiance. You definitely need to resolve your religious differences before you have children. Love is a tricky thing. You have to expect that it will wane and wax over time. Your feelings for each other CAN NOT be the guide by which you decide to remain together. You have to have a strong commitment that lasts in spite of your feelings at any one moment.
Gizank said
You may find this useful. You may not.
A long time ago, I faced the truth, that there is no inherent meaning in life or the universe. My problem is that I have spent thirty years or so trying to build a world view that held meaning for me, in spite of the knowledge that there is none (without making it for ourselves.)
I don’t know if you are a creator in life, artist, craftsman, but I read an excellent book called The Van Gogh Blues, The Creative Person’s Path through Depression, by Eric Maisel, PhD.
The book is mostly about how meaning crisis begets anxiety in creative people, and how to build meaning for your own life, in the large view, as well as moment-by-moment living. I have found it quite helpful with my bouts of depression.
You might want to check this out of the library, or seek out other writings on building meaning for ourselves. This book may not be for you, but the concept of making meaning in our own lives sort of snuck up on me and fit the problem in ways I did not expect.
I mention it primarily because you seem like the kind of person for whom a world-picture is a very important part of life. Meaning-making is productive work in the lives of all of us, especially those of us who examine ourselves and strive to build a worthy picture and set worthwhile goals.
I have enjoyed the two articles I read on your blog today. Keep up the good work!
Robin said
Hi
I was just wondering what proof you had that the soul did not exist ?
I am an atheist my self but i have not heard of any proof one way or the other.
skizac said
Coming up in Part Three.
Kimmy said
Hi! Thanks for posting this. I, too, have started to drift away from my Catholic beliefs. I have been taking Theology classes in the university I am in as a REQUIREMENT… and the longer I’m taking it, the more I’m being pushed away. I hate being forced to believe in something I have doubts about; and most of all, I hate being called “blasphemous” every time I start to question certain points.
I have stopped going to church recently. I know it’s “bad” to miss mass, but I honestly believe that being “good” doesn’t just rely on attending mass on a regular basis. I mean, I can be a good person by doing good deeds, right? Anyway, I still don’t have the guts to declare myself an atheist, though. I’m too scared to face all the criticism I will surely get when I do come out.
Joshua said
I have a quick question and if you don’t mind could you email me a response? “My faith took many turns” is a statement you made earlier, and I was wondering what do you define “faith” to be exactly? I was discussing some things with another atheist and was led to your article by him. You seem very intelligent and have your doubts as we all do. I would love to discuss more things with you though if at all possible.
Thank you,
Joshua MIller
miller.joshuak@Gmail.com
skizac said
By “faith”, I meant my overall system of beliefs. When I say that my faith took many turns, I meant that my beliefs changed over time as I became convinced that one point of theology was better than another.
I’ll send you an email, too.
Ryan said
Hey,
Thanks for sharing your experiences… I too have gone from Christian to Atheist over the last year or two and it has been, at times, the most painful and sad, and at times the most joyful and liberating experiences of my life.
Christmas last year was when I really felt that the entire religious part of my life was finally dead. It hit me when I heard Christmas Carols in the shopping mall and they sounded like empty noise as opposed the usual feelings that they stirred up in me. Its is a pity, as the majority (baring the last 12 -18 months) of my Christian life was full of positive experiences, mostly with my family during the holidays. I was lucky enough to have parents who have never pushed a religious agenda on their children.
When you wrote: “Sometime in early 2008 I began having new doubts about my belief. I started noticing things that I’d never seen before. I observed that the nonbelievers in my life were as loving and as moral as the believers. I also saw that Christians, on average, were not displaying signs of the process of sanctification that I expected.” it was as if you had taken the start of my journey toward ‘rationality’. So much has happened since then and the adjustment to a new worldview difficult.
The worst part is when you meet those people you went to church with (and my last church was pretty right-wing evangelical fundamentalist, even if they where subtle about it) and the questions start to fly… Nobody expects a Spanish Inquisition!
Many Thanks,
Ryan
DRSIMRAK said
One of the sad results of 20th century Christianity is that it claims that only Christians can do good. That’s a lie from the pits of Hell. The truth is both believers and unbelievers can do good. The problem is not that I sin, but that since sin entered the world things have gone from bad to worse. Sin isn’t about what we do so much as where we are.
Being in Nicaragua for the past week and working with the poor, I have seen first hand the liberating power of the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I have seen families torn apart restored through the power of Jesus Christ.
Logically there is no proving that there is heaven and hell. It’s not about getting it straight in ones head but in one’s heart through faith. It’s not denial like many would like to claim. It’s enlightenment. Jesus is the truth and through Him we have life.
Do Christians sin? All the time. Being a Christian doesn’t mean that you stop sinning and sanctification isn’t about being good, it’s about holiness. Salvation doesn’t come when we say I understand, but when we say not my will but yours.
It’s not about us but about the Creator.